Insights On My Journey Through Break Down
By Lilith White
I love it when the universe presents me with the perfect message at exactly the right time; when the synchronicity is so profoundly in alignment that it almost gives me goose flesh or that tingly sensation around my head.
Many spiritual philosophies talk about the power of forgiveness. For me, personally, I assumed this was one area I didn’t need to pay too much attention to. I wasn’t a person who carried grudges. I seldom indulged in a ‘blame game’. In fact, I believed, I did the opposite. I had always made allowances for people; attributed their behaviour to childhood traumas, ignorance or lack of E.Q…nobody is perfect right? So to a degree, I had given people leeway, sometimes to the point that they were able to take advantage of me. I usually made a mental note of minor transgressions, sometimes got extremely shocked and hurt by larger transgressions but I was able to let it go quickly…or so I thought.
More recently, I had made a conscious decision to change this attitude – part of loving the self is knowing where to draw boundaries so I asked myself the question, ‘was the infraction big or small…how important was it to me?” I had never written somebody who was in my personal history book out of my future book. I realised that if I weighed people up against their ability to always be in integrity, there would pretty much be nobody left in my life.
There were certain people who had consistently ‘let me down’. There was a pattern of imbalanced energy. When they reached out to me, I was there for them but no effort was made when I needed a hand of friendship. I had made many allowances over many years, expecting different results and was finally ready to look the reality of these, so-called friendships, squarely in the face. This meant a total disconnect from one person and a decision for limited contact with others.
I had also been in an unrequited love situation with a man with whom I had developed a very dependable friendship with. We were in daily contact and he was a light in my life. Falling for a man, after years of abstaining from relationships, was a ‘biggie’ for me. I eventually made the decision that the best way to honour myself was to distance myself, if he was unable to reciprocate my feelings of attraction, possibly love for him. Once I had come clean with an honest sharing and after a few backwards and forwards emails, he cut me off completely like you cut off your excess fingernails and throw them in the bin. I was asking for some distance and he was chopping off my head. It hurt me more than I cared to admit.
All of these self-affirming decisions happened way over a year ago and I had supposedly moved on. To say I have been going through a tough time recently is an understatement. I had a complete meltdown. Probably if I had gone through mainstream channels, the psychologist would have written ‘breakdown’ on her notepad, looked back up at me, with compassion in her eyes, over her black rimmed glasses and said, “You are having a nervous breakdown’. These two little words, nervous breakdown, would have been a simplistic way of encapsulating a more complex accumulation of unresolved loss, grief, lack of joy and more importantly the shutting down of the one thing that I knew I could rely upon through thick and thin; my unwavering faith…that constant part of myself, my spiritual aspect, that I knew could never be hurt, harmed or damaged. This knowing had always been my rock, especially since I had few real, live people in my life, I could say that about.
I didn’t consciously realise that this disconnect had banished me into a spiritual wilderness, that had left me like a tree blowing aimlessly in the breeze, without its roots to hold me solidly and firmly in the nurturing embrace of mother earth’s soil.
I had spent too many years to even count, in isolation, exploring the path of the inner self and my spirituality. Now I wanted to experience my more tangible physical attributes like the angel who falls down to earth in the movie, The City of Angels; to experience that which we have been gifted with in a body. I wanted to fully connect with the joys of the flesh but all I had come away with, taking this path, was disillusionment. People had disappointed me, the mundanity of life bored me, creating tangible prosperity eluded me and having to fall back purely on faith, angered me. I understand, when all is said and done, that without this body, I am left with only pure consciousness but I longed for my physical reality to fulfil me and mean something too – consciousness can’t make love, hug, eat popcorn at the movies, whilst holding hands with a crush.
I guess my higher self finds this all rather humorous because it knows, unequivocally, that the universe does you a favour when it breaks you down. It strips the leaves off that tree and renders it bare, quivering naked and exposed to the elements. It cracks all those dead branches then waits for you to decide when you are going to make space for new growth by throwing off the old, useless ones and it forces you to re-acknowledge those unseen roots as the core that holds the tree together. You either put down some new roots before you fall over or you are going to get scattered all over the place and obliterated! It doesn’t feel like much of a favour when all you asked for was a safe haven and a solid human, hand to hold on to. It’s like the not guilty being given an undeserving sentence…just not fair!
At least during this break apart…down or whatever, I had the ware with all to ask, “What the F#*@ do you want me to do?” Now when you’re breaking down and being strewn all over the place, you pretty much only have time for about one question. It’s like you’re in a war zone with only one instinct, survival; that means a safe place. It’s basic. Because I had just given up my home to travel, that was literally my priority (safe place is more often an analogy…whatever anyone considers a safe place). In my case, in this instance, my safe place was literal; a little furnished apartment for people in transit. It was the last place I thought I would find myself in but it was actually just perfect for my healing. It gave me the opportunity to ‘stop’ and ‘wait’. The I-Ching refers to ‘waiting’ as a natural stopping in between doing or going…like a dry winter waiting for rain. The time is not yet right for roots to start shooting again or for re-growth.
So I landed in my little Zen-Like room, called the Bali Suite and ‘stopped’. I didn’t think about why I needed to stop, at first. I just did. I guess I was actually just too drained to do anything else. I did scare myself with thoughts about ‘what’s next,’ at times. This just brought up anxiety so I had to bring my mind into alignment and remind it that we were stopping. The universe didn’t break me down for me to rebel and push myself into performing. It was telling me to ‘wait’. For a change I decided not to be rebellious. I got it…’a let go, let God type thing’, I thought.
I had allowed myself to fall through, what I had referred to as the void, once before. First there is resistance…you lay guilt trips on yourself; you want a plan, yes, a goal will sort you out. If you make a decision you’ll have somewhere to go, something to do…well, if that’s what you think then you haven’t got it yet. The universe has broken you down for a purpose. You will only delay the process by doing anything you think you ‘should’ be doing. There is a lovely affirmation from a Course In Miracles, ‘Only God’s plan for my salvation will work.’ (You don’t have to use the word God if it pushes your buttons, think what word symbolises some higher power or source that works for you).
So you wait! You may still fight ‘waiting’ because we haven’t been socialised to do no-thing; it’s unproductive, but if you stop and wait it will produce something…a void. A void isn’t really thought of as something but in this reality it is a very important no-thing, something. While you are in this inner void, you do only those things that don’t dissipate your energy and only you will know what those things are – going for a walk, cleaning the house, lying on the bed, cooking a meal…whatever doesn’t create anxiety. If it doesn’t flow, naturally, leave it alone.
For me when I stop, I write. Stopping doesn’t mean you can’t do anything…it means not doing anything that feels like an effort. I once said that writing seems to come from its own private well spring inside of me. It is like an unstoppable force that arrives naturally like the ebb and flow of the ocean. It is also very important to stop any thoughts that berate, belittle or criticise yourself. Affirmations work wonderfully well to replace scary thoughts of lack.
There may be a certain amount of stopping and trying to get started before you finally allow it. Only then will you be able to let go. When you let go completely without resistance that is when you fall through the void. The universe sighs with relief. It had been holding its breath so as not to disturb the tree. Now you are ready to be open to listen to the plan for your salvation.
Insight One – Forgiveness
I woke up one morning with a slight sense of purpose – I wanted to maintain a presence on social media to get my book noticed. I had been receiving such amazing reviews from my readers but I needed to get it more out there and known. I also wanted to begin collaborating and sharing. My plan was to go on to my face book page and find some new, like minded friends. The universe had something else in mind. I was attracted to a woman and clicked on her lovely, graceful face to go to her profile. The first thing I saw was a video…the words twins caught my eye because I have twin grandsons and then I noticed the word holocaust. I clicked on it to play the video. It was a Jewish woman, Eva Moses Kor, who had arrived in the Auschwitz Concentration Camp with her family, including her twin sister, aged ten. Because they were twins their lives were spared. They were valuable subjects for experimentation and study. The Nazis were looking for ways to increase the Ayran race and twins would increase the population twofold. Jewish twins were the perfect guinea pigs because they didn’t care if they had emotions or could feel pain. She described the degradation, pain and torture they went through at the hands of a Nazi doctor, Josef Mengele. The video upset me terribly. I am particularly sensitive about this chapter in history that highlights the worst side of human nature. (Words are inadequate to describe how it makes me feel. In my book I talk about my previous lifetime connection with this, which I will not go into now. If you are interested you can click on the highlight to view my book).
What came next astounded me. She had been asked to give a talk at Boston College and was asked if it was at all plausible to find and bring a doctor who had worked at the concentration camp. She didn’t think it would be possible. Dr Mengele had died in 1979 but she did manage to find a doctor; Dr Munch, who had been responsible for signing the death certificates at the camp. He did not agree to go with her to Boston but did agree to meet with her at his home.
This initial introduction led to Eva’s family and the doctors family to travel to Auschwitz to sign a declaration about what he had seen and experienced during the time he was working there.
Eva wanted to find a way to thank him but every idea she had, did not satisfy her. It took several months of pondering on this before she decided to write him a letter of forgiveness. She had never formally forgiven anybody and the result felt life changing. It was suggested to her by her former English Teacher that if she could forgive him then perhaps there was some way she could forgive Mengele. She would never have believed that she would have had the capacity to let go of the trauma of her past but she was prepared to try. On the day that she formerly forgave him, she wrote down twenty of the angriest, ugliest words she could find in the dictionary to describe him. She read all of them out loud to him and then told him, “I forgive you.” It was a life altering moment. She describes it as letting in fresh air; opening yourself up for new experiences instead of cluttering up your life with the past.
To be honest, I was too emotionally distraught by what had been done to these innocent girls, to even function for the rest of the day, let alone integrate her message of the importance of forgiveness. I actually even berated myself for putting myself through trauma when I was still so vulnerable…but her uplifting message, at the end, did blow me away.
During the next few days, the idea of forgiveness came up for me again and again. How important was it to forgive? Was I holding on to baggage from my past because I had not forgiven certain people in my life? I didn’t ask these questions consciously but this was the seed that was slowly integrating and germinating in my mind.
On the Saturday morning I woke up knowing that I had to write a letter to the man who I had fallen for and who had cruelly cut me out of his life because he didn’t have the capacity to love me. I had managed to bury it, which was very different from clearing it and letting it go. I immediately wrote the letter. It was amazing how the words just flowed out of me. At the end, I wrote, ‘I forgive myself for not knowing how to deal with and express my emotions appropriately and I forgive you for the perceived cruelty you displayed in your response’. I sent the email. I did not feel any lighter. In fact I had a good, purging cry. I almost felt lonelier and more isolated than I did before the letter. I suppose I was still projecting how this would have gone down in the past…either being ignored or a clinical response.
I then reached out to a friend of mine in the UK, who I longed to have closer in my life. I told her I needed my old friends more than ever. She responded with a warm, caring message and a link her son had sent her that morning. It was a lady called, Mabel Katz, an ex accountant who had given up her career to spread the philosophy of Ho’oponopono. I opened the link and the universe suddenly let out another big sigh of relief….
Ho’oponopono is the ancient Hawaiian system of….forgiveness. Yes, you heard me right…forgiveness. My friend did not have any idea that I had written a letter of forgiveness that morning or that this had been an insight I had been working with. To be honest, there wasn’t anything I found extremely profound about her talk. It was quite simplistic …there are basically two phrases to practise, “Thank you” and “I love you”…but I do know that when the universe comes into alignment with such astounding synchronisation, you have to take note and listen. I remained open.
During the time I was watching the video I had gotten a message on my phone to say that there was a reply to my email. He had always let me know, in the past, because he knew I kept email separate from my phone. All of this had been happening at the same time on an energetic level…k-ching…the universe bringing everything into alignment.
I must admit I was afraid to read his response but was pleasantly surprised. His response was open, caring, thoughtful, wise, well taken and even complimentary, at times. He had taken his time and had chosen his words with complete mindfulness. All the tears I had shed that day, purging my pain and re-opening past wounds, had been worth it. I was completely depleted but felt that I had just gone through an immense and profound shift. I replied with one aspect that I thought called for an immediate response and told him I would give his email my full attention at a later stage. I needed to rest and integrate what had been given to me.
Later that evening, I decided to look further into Ho’ponopono. I came across a book entitled The Huna; ancient wisdom for modern times by Mathew B. James. I purchased the book on my kindle and snuggled up on my bed, now intrigued by the messages that had arrived on my doorstep during the day. I would write my email reply a couple days later with new insights about disconnecting from people and re-connecting with them at a later stage. The intension of cutting the cord was because when we look at the people in our lives we view them with all the shared history attached. In order to renew a relationship, especially one with previous challenges, it is okay to disconnect from them to re-establish a fresh start with no past. I just knew that this was to be the next step in my journey back from break down. I could already feel those little roots beginning to push their way into the earth, as the old useless branches, began to fall to the ground. Winter was over and spring was just around the corner. If this was the start of things to come, perhaps I would land up being a healthy tree, after all.
May your light always shine brightly.
Lilith White.
Easy Reference to the pointers:-
Insight One – Stopping and Waiting
- The universe breaks us down to reawaken us for new growth.
- We need to allow the process by ‘stopping’ what we think we ‘should’ do.
- There is a plan for us and we will only hear the answers when we stop and listen.
- If we give in to ‘waiting’ our true purpose will arrive.
- When we are in alignment things will flow. If we force doing something and it creates anxiety, this is a red flag to stop.
- Be aware of synchronistic events that come into your life. Be open to listen to the messages and follow the signs when they arrive.
- Hand over to a higher power by letting go, letting God/Source.
Insight One – Stopping and Waiting
- Burying past events is not the same as letting them go.
- Carrying negative energy from the past can accumulate in your system. When you are carrying too much pain, it can result in a complete break down until you are ready to face it, forgive it and let it go.
- Practising forgiveness in a literal way, will release you and the other person from bondage to negative experiences from the past. The words, ‘I forgive you’ transform intension into reality.
- Ho’ponopono, the Hawaiian art of forgiveness advises us to use the phrases, ‘Thank you; I love you’, often to release and forgive a situation before it gets stored in our system as an unresolved issue.
- Forgiveness is not necessarily a two way thing. The other person does not have to respond for you to forgive them.
- There are no unforgivable transgressions. It doesn’t mean you have to like somebody or have that person in your life. All it means is that you forgive them in order to let them go.
- The Hawaiians also practised forgiveness towards themselves so forgive yourself often and be easy on yourself. You may want to forgive yourself for the part you played, at the same time as you forgive another. Forgiveness can be part of a more profound disconnection. A disconnection can be permanent or the connection can be renewed without the baggage from the past. The Hawaiian’s practised this often with the same person to keep relationships pure and free of the past.
If you are inspired by these new reflections of Lilith White you may be interested in reading my memoir,The Other Side of My Reflection by Lilith White. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=The+Other+Side+of+my+Reflection+by+Lilith+White
References
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LjPv-yfsWE
The Huna; ancient wisdom for modern times by Mathew B. James